Can I do this? Can I not? (reblog)
This is not my first blog. I was posting things about my hobbies and such, coding my own websites, long before “blogging” was a thing. One of my first domains was upmykilt.net. Back in 2008, when I decided to have bariatric surgery, of course I posted things about it on there. Then after awhile I decided to start an actual blog, and did so using the domain formerfatdudes.com (the singular version was already spoken for).
I’ve long since let the domain lapse, but the content was all sitting there in the sql database, just waiting… Waiting for me to decide to do something with it. And now I have. I’m going to go through those old posts and see what might be worth re-posting. Some of these may help provide some insight for those currently trying to decide how to treat their own obesity. Others may just be cathartic for myself. We’ll see.
First up, a post from October 12, 2008 – I had just made the decision to really look at bariatric surgery as an option. Minor editing for clarity.
I had a doctor’s appointment last Thursday. I have them every few months to check my blood pressure and get my prescriptions refilled. But this time I also went in wanting to discuss something specific with him.
See, the thing is.. I am fat. I’ve been overweight for as long as I can remember. I was going to Weight Watchers when I was in grade school, and again when I was high school. I did the no-carb “Mayo Clinic Diet” about 10 years ago and managed to lose about 35-40 pounds before plateauing and deciding I liked potatoes too much, and missed having toast with my eggs. The last time I had any luck losing weight was the 30+ pounds I lost during a fit of depression over a broken relationship about five years ago. Not something I want to go through again just to lose weight.
But even through all that, despite the fact I wasn’t in all that great of shape, I was active. I would go camping and it would be nothing to go hiking, doing 3, 5, or more miles in the afternoon. I would be out on the paintball field for hours. Or I could easily walk around Lake Phalen with my friend Chelle. I wasn’t going to win any races, but I was out there, moving.
That’s changed the last couple years. I can’t make it to the paintball field without getting winded. For the first time in my life going for a walk means back pain. That is on top of the ever present knee issues I’ve been dealing with since a teen. I’m not sure I could make it 3-5 blocks right now let alone miles.
So I talked to my doctor today about bariatric surgery. Gastric by-pass to be more specific.
Yea… I know it’s a huge deal. I was telling myself as recently as a year ago that doing something like this is a life-style altering deal. That I should be able to do that on my own, and that I shouldn’t need surgery to make that change for me. But here we are a year later, I’m weighing more than I ever have at over 370, and sure friends will tell me that I don’t look like I weigh that much… and I have seen and know people that seem to look bigger than I am but say they weigh much less, so I’m not sure whats up there. But the bottom line is, for the last year or more I have been feeling physically worse overall than I ever have and I’m on the downhill side of 40.
I guess now I’m not so sure I can do it “on my own”.
Have I tried “everything”? No. And I’m not going to make excuses. I’m just feeling like I’m running out of options, and more importantly, time. I now have an appointment on the 31st to meet with a surgeon to see if I “qualify” for the surgery. Given family history and such, I’m not sure why I wouldn’t. But, I also have no clue what the final criteria is.
I’ve been reading, and reading, and reading material on the web. Lots of personal experience blogs, etc. Based on what I’ve seen I’m not sure how I wouldn’t qualify, unless I fail the psyc eval or something? I dunno.
Originally, I wasn’t going to post this right away. I was going wait until after the 31st and see what happened then. But, well it’s not like I can hide the fact that I’m fat. And if I qualify there’s going to be some major stuff to deal with before the surgery. I work in a small company, they’re going to know something is going on.
I’m going to have to miss a major chunk of work at some point so they’re gonna have to be kept in the loop. My family will know, friends, most of them will know. I guess on top of that, my “online life” has always been rather open. I don’t see any reason to change that now.
I don’t really have anything to hide, so maybe by starting to document some of this now I can get feedback, information, and more from all over the place. And ultimately it will help me figure out if this is what I want to do, if this is going to be something I can do.